How to Take Feedback Seriously, Not Personally
In my years of experience as a people leader, I've encountered numerous situations where giving feedback became challenging because employees took it personally rather than seriously. It's easy to interpret everything happening around us as a reflection of ourselves, as we tend to view the world through our own lens. Whether it's getting into our dream college, experiencing road rage, or receiving feedback, we often make it about ourselves. However, the truth is, people don't think about us as much as we think they do. They are primarily focused on their own lives and outcomes, so recognizing that the world is more complex than our own narrative is a crucial first step.
Shift Your Mindset
In the insightful words of James Carse in his book "Finite and Infinite Games," he highlights the importance of shifting our mindset when it comes to receiving feedback. Carse describes two types of games in life: finite games and infinite games. Finite games are played to win, with a clear endpoint and set rules. On the other hand, infinite games are played to keep the game going, focusing on values and ongoing play.
Receiving feedback should be approached as an infinite game. Taking feedback personally and striving to win or defend ourselves is akin to treating it as a finite game. This mindset limits our growth and stifles our ability to learn from the valuable insights offered to us. Instead, by taking feedback seriously, we open ourselves up to a continuous journey of improvement and development.
When we embrace feedback as an opportunity for growth, we shift our perspective. We recognize that feedback is not a personal attack or judgment but a valuable resource that can help us improve our skills, enhance our performance, and reach our full potential. It allows us to see beyond the immediate moment and focus on the long-term benefits of incorporating feedback into our professional journey.
Taking feedback seriously requires a willingness to learn, adapt, and evolve. It means viewing feedback as a gift, even if it may be uncomfortable or challenging at times. By adopting this mindset, we create an environment that fosters growth, collaboration, and continuous improvement.
So, the next time you receive feedback, remind yourself of the infinite game you're playing. Embrace it as an opportunity to grow, expand your skills, and become a better version of yourself. By shifting your mindset, you'll be able to extract valuable insights from feedback, make meaningful changes, and navigate your professional journey with a sense of purpose and continuous improvement.
Guarding Against Defensiveness
Guarding against defensiveness is essential for creating an open and constructive dialogue when receiving feedback. It allows us to approach the conversation with a growth mindset and a willingness to learn. To effectively manage defensiveness, we can follow these three steps: breathe, listen, and ask questions.
Firstly, taking a moment to breathe before responding to feedback can help us maintain composure and manage our emotional reactions. Deep breaths allow us to center ourselves and approach the conversation with a clear mind. This practice helps us avoid immediate defensive responses and enables us to engage in a more productive discussion.
Secondly, actively listening is crucial when receiving feedback. Instead of immediately formulating counterarguments or justifying our actions, we should genuinely listen to what the other person is saying. This involves giving them our full attention, maintaining eye contact, and showing that we value their perspective. By listening attentively, we demonstrate respect for their insights and create an environment conducive to a fruitful exchange of ideas.
Lastly, asking questions is a powerful tool in managing defensiveness and gaining a deeper understanding of the feedback being provided. Open-ended questions are particularly effective as they encourage reflection and promote thoughtful responses. By using questions that focus on the future and ask for suggestions or insights, we foster a collaborative discussion that explores opportunities for growth and improvement. These types of questions also help us uncover specific areas where we can make adjustments or seek support.
It's important to note that while asking questions is valuable, it's equally crucial to approach them without a defensive agenda. Genuine curiosity and a willingness to learn should guide our questioning. We should avoid leading questions that manipulate the conversation or seek validation for our own viewpoints. Instead, our aim is to gain a deeper understanding of the feedback and explore ways to enhance our performance or address any concerns.
By implementing these steps—taking a breath, actively listening, and asking open-ended questions—we create a constructive feedback dynamic that promotes growth and learning. It allows us to navigate feedback conversations with grace, openness, and a genuine commitment to continuous improvement.
Question Asking Strategy
A strategic approach to asking questions during feedback conversations can enhance our understanding and facilitate more meaningful discussions. Here are some key aspects to consider when employing a question asking strategy.
Firstly, clarifying questions play a crucial role in ensuring a clear understanding of the feedback received. If certain points or statements are unclear, it's essential to seek clarification by asking specific questions. This helps avoid misinterpretation and enables us to grasp the key message being conveyed accurately.
Furthermore, it's valuable to direct questions towards perspectives and perceptions rather than focusing solely on specific individuals. By asking about how we are being perceived by a certain team or department, for example, we gain insights into how our actions or behaviors are being perceived by others. This broader perspective allows us to address any potential areas for improvement or to align our actions with organizational goals more effectively.
Additionally, it's important to recognize that seeking help from our manager or colleagues is not a sign of weakness but rather a demonstration of our commitment to growth and improvement. When we ask for assistance, we show that we value their expertise and guidance. This collaborative approach fosters a culture of support and encourages open dialogue, enabling us to leverage the knowledge and insights of others to enhance our performance.
In summary, a question asking strategy during feedback conversations involves seeking clarification, exploring perspectives and perceptions, and being open to seeking help when needed. By adopting this approach, we deepen our understanding of the feedback, gain valuable insights, and foster a collaborative environment that promotes growth and development. Remember, effective questioning is an essential skill that allows us to engage in meaningful conversations and drive our professional growth forward.
Managing Your Emotions
Managing our emotions when receiving feedback is a crucial aspect of effectively processing and utilizing the information. Here are some strategies for handling and channeling emotions in a constructive manner.
It's natural to experience a range of emotions when receiving feedback, including feelings of upset or frustration. However, it's important to avoid reacting immediately and instead, hold back those emotions until you have gathered all the necessary information. This allows you to approach the feedback with a clearer and more objective mindset.
One way to manage emotions is by finding an outlet to express them. Venting to a trusted friend or confidant can provide a safe space to release any pent-up frustrations or concerns. Taking a walk or engaging in physical activity can also help to clear the mind and reduce emotional intensity. By channeling these emotions in a healthy manner, you create space for constructive reflection and response.
Once you have regained composure, it can be helpful to write out the feedback in detail. This exercise allows you to analyze and understand the different aspects of the feedback, including both the parts you agree with and those you may question. By separating the feedback into these categories, you can focus on the areas that require further attention and exploration.
As you reflect on the feedback, consider whether it is based on a perception or a genuine skill deficiency. Understanding the root cause of the feedback can guide your response. If it is related to a perception, consider ways to change that perception through communication, behavior adjustments, or building stronger relationships. If it is a skill deficiency, develop a plan to improve those skills through training, seeking guidance from mentors, or taking on relevant projects.
Additionally, seeking validation and feedback from neutral colleagues can provide different perspectives on the feedback you have received. Their insights can help you gain a more well-rounded view and provide valuable input on areas for improvement or potential misconceptions. Engaging in these conversations with an open mind and a willingness to learn fosters a collaborative environment and promotes personal growth.
Managing emotions when receiving feedback involves finding healthy outlets to express and release emotions, refraining from immediate reactions, and engaging in reflective practices. By channeling emotions constructively, seeking validation, and exploring areas for improvement, you can leverage feedback to enhance your professional development and growth. Remember, feedback is an opportunity for growth and should be approached with a mindset of learning and improvement.
Help, I am Stuck In An Emotional Vortex
When we find ourselves caught in an emotional vortex, it can be difficult to separate our feelings from the feedback we have received. In such situations, an "if-logic" approach can be a helpful tool to regain perspective and move towards a more constructive mindset.
The "if-logic" approach involves reframing the feedback by asking yourself, "If this feedback were 100% true, what would I do to address it?" By temporarily detaching yourself from the emotional response and considering the feedback objectively, you create space for brainstorming actionable steps for improvement.
This approach allows you to shift from dwelling on the emotional aspect of the feedback to focusing on the potential solutions and growth opportunities it presents. By treating the feedback as if it were entirely valid, you can explore various strategies to address the areas highlighted for improvement.
When utilizing the "if-logic" approach, it's important to approach it with an open mind and a willingness to challenge your initial reactions. Rather than dismissing the feedback or immediately rejecting it, this approach encourages a more objective evaluation of the situation. It prompts you to consider how you would handle the feedback if you were to approach it from a standpoint of growth and improvement.
As you engage in this exercise, remember that the purpose is not to dwell on self-blame or self-criticism but to generate ideas and insights for personal development. It allows you to shift from beating yourself up over the feedback to brainstorming practical steps that can help you move forward in a positive and constructive manner.
By using the "if-logic" approach, you can process feedback with less emotional intensity, enabling you to explore opportunities for growth and improvement. It empowers you to shift your focus towards actionable solutions and engage in self-reflection that supports your professional development journey.
Remember, feedback is an invaluable tool for personal and career growth. Embracing it with an open mind, even when emotions are high, can lead to valuable insights and propel you towards continuous improvement.
As a Manger, You Can Help
As a manager, you play a vital role in creating a supportive environment where your employees can effectively receive and process feedback. Recognizing and addressing defensive behavior is crucial in helping your employees navigate their emotions and truly listen to constructive feedback. Here are some steps you can take to assist them in this process:
1. Acknowledge their emotions: When an employee presents defensive behavior, it's essential to acknowledge their emotions and let them know that you understand the difficulty they are experiencing. This acknowledgement helps create a safe space for them to express their feelings without judgment.
2. Practice controlled breathing: Encourage your employee to take a moment to practice controlled breathing. Controlled breathing exercises, such as inhaling for a count of four, holding for a count of five, and exhaling for a count of six, can help regulate their emotions and promote a sense of calm.
3. Engage in active listening: Once your employee is in a more receptive state, engage in active listening. Give them your full attention, maintain eye contact, and show genuine interest in understanding their perspective. Active listening allows them to feel heard and validated, fostering a more productive conversation.
4. Use questions to dissect the feedback: Employ open-ended questions to guide the conversation and encourage reflection. These questions can help your employee delve deeper into their thoughts and gain a clearer understanding of the feedback. Avoid leading questions that may influence their responses and focus on eliciting their genuine insights and reflections.
By following these steps, you create a supportive and understanding environment where your employees can effectively process feedback. This approach demonstrates your commitment to their growth and development while fostering open communication and trust. Remember, your role as a manager is not just to provide feedback but also to guide and support your employees on their professional journey.
Conclusion
In conclusion, effectively managing feedback is crucial for personal and professional growth. Shifting our mindset from taking feedback personally to taking it seriously allows us to embrace opportunities for improvement. Guarding against defensiveness by practicing active listening and asking open-ended questions fosters a constructive feedback dialogue. Managing emotions by holding back initial reactions and seeking validation from neutral colleagues promotes a balanced perspective. As managers, acknowledging emotions and providing support helps employees navigate feedback more effectively. By creating a culture of open communication and growth, we can foster an environment where feedback becomes a catalyst for development and success. Embracing feedback as a tool for improvement allows us to continuously learn, grow, and excel in our careers.